“But my heart cried out for you, California,
California I’m coming home.” -Joni Mitchell
I left for California in my 2002 Honda Accord on the first snowy day in Indiana. It was January 14th, 2016. My almost-boyfriend at the time had spent the night and he was getting in my car with me to drive into town where his car was, and as he tried to open the passenger side door, the icy handle snapped off. It was the first instident at the start of my journey as if life was wishing me good luck on my journey.
I would drive him to his car where we would say goodbye and I would migrate West like so many before me, hoping to find treasure in sunny weather.
A few weeks before I left, I was at my almost-boyfriend’s apartment and I was showing him Good Will Hunting, the movie that I had proclaimed as my favorite movie for many years. Remember the scene in Skylar’s dorm room when she says, “come to California with me.” When she said that I think him and I both tensed up and wondered if this was some sort of sign that he was supposed to follow me out to California. But I knew it was just a coincidence. After all, isn’t going to California the archetypal land of opportunity? Anyway, I wanted to go alone. I had a plan and I wasn’t going to let any guy step in my way.
The problem that I started to face with my plan of becoming the world’s most amazing social worker/counselor was that I didn’t really know how to help people. In my Americorps job I didn’t know how to help the kids on the playground resolve their conflicts or comfort them when they cried. I was always more worried about what they of me. Another problem with my plan being fulfilled was my nagging inner child reminding me that I wasn’t writing. But I kept her beneath the surface with thoughts like, “you’re not good enough, you will fail, it’s better to do something that is obtainable and practical.” Something practical meant something that I felt secure and capable of. I had gone to college successfully so surely I could go to grad school successfully. I had lots of personal experience with depression and anxiety so surely I would be a competent counselor.
Also, my parents were underpayed, overworked social workers-that’s where I belonged, right?
I didn’t have to convince myself that I wanted this dream; I blindly went along with it because it felt safe, unaware of how colorless that fantasy life was until I allowed myself to see what I really wanted.
The “Aha!” moment happened when I was at the elementary school where I worked killing time watching Youtube videos. I came across an inspirational video done by Jim Carrey called, “The Meaning”, and something inside me clicked.
Some loose thought swam out of the depths of my subconscious while all my negative thoughts weren’t paying attention, and that little wormy neuronal track made it all the way into my consciousness and thought: “You can do whatever you want to! You don’t have to be miserable! You can even be a writer.”
My body was flooded with adrenaline in a wave of energetic pleasure from one little believed-in thought. I started dreaming up what my life could look like- one that I actually wanted to live!
I was thinking, “I want to work on a garden and get good at growing my own vegetables and work as a farmer and be a writer.”
The ideas were met with some resistance at first, but the blockade of happy starburst thoughts were too strong for the negative ones. My fear was saying, “what about my career?” and “how will I make money? Shouldn’t I be creating stability for my future?” and , “What if I fail as a writer?”
But I was ballistically excited and I didn’t care what my fears were saying.
After that Monday, other videos kept popping up for me to watch. One was on mind control. Not the kind that happens in cults but rather how our thoughts control our lives and how to get out from under them. I also found a Youtuber who did a video on being a people-pleaser (guilty as I am).
I think the videos were effective for me because I was opened to new ways of seeing life. The timing of the videos coming into my life was like magic. It was like God saying, “pay attention and listen-I’m giving you what you need to hear.”
So, what has happened since the period of Youtube revelations?
I’ve decided to stay in Northern California to pursue writing. To support it, 3 jobs have fallen into place, all of them part time-make my own hours types of jobs. I will be living with a woman who I got hooked up with from my amazing church community near Santa Rosa.
This blog post is here to be a witness and to show appreciation and gratitude to the Eternal Light-the Great Spirit, God, which has manifested all of these things in my life and opened up my life to be a servant to Love. Looking back on the past 6 months, plans have been set into motion that occurred effortlessly on my part.
Not everything is perfect and will never be but I want to share how much I owe to God. I owe thanks to God for all things in my life that He makes beautiful.
That’s it for now. Here are some links to get you thinking if you are interested.